Death Proof

Its very rare, VERY rare that a movie comes along that is so bad it hurts me to finish it. Death Proof is by far one of the worst movies ever committed to film. I know a lot of you are think "what? Why?!?! I really liked that movie"! Because its like hanging out with your sister as they talk about absolutely NOTHING. Then to pour salt on the wound they beat up Kurt Russell! They only way to review this piece of shit is to do by beginning, middle, and something they call a ending. 

So what did you expect? A plot? Well too bad because that is something this movie is completely void of. Instead we are introduced to 4 nasty hoes by the names of.... who fucking cares 1 through 4. They go to some dive bar and start to act like... well cheap redneck hookers. This would be a great start to a movie that ended in to girls kissing a porn grooves but this is not that kind of movie. No this is a car chase movie... i think. Anyways, to make a long story short who fucking cares 1 through 4 get drunk, act like out of work adult film stars and give a lap dance to Kurt Russell. Kurt Russell then thanks the hooker by taking her into his car and running head on into a car.. or a poll.... or was it bomb.... I don't know I was falling asleep. The fact being that the hooker dies. Wow right? Action, adventure and plot glore right? .... I wish I would of watched catwoman. 

The middle of the movie is like hangin out with your sister (if she is a hooker) and her hooker friends... FOR A WHOLE FUCKING HOUR. Thats the middle.... no really..... thats it. I wanted them all to die at the end of that. Every last one of them needed to be marked for death and beaten with a steel baton. I have never hated a group of characters more then these hookers. 

So what's the end of this cinema gold? There is a lame ass car chase and they beat up Kurt Russell. So lets tackle these both one at a time. The car chase.... Tarantino compared it to bullet. Matter of fact he said it was the best car chase ever put on film. To him I say "Mr Tarantino! YOU CAN KISS MY ASS". Bullet was awesome because it was bad ass. The chase was something that was still in the grasp of reality. Hanging of the front of a car going 120 is not something that could really happen!!!!! You just ruined your own movie!!! If you wanted it to be something that wasn't suppose to be real and gritty why did I just hang of with a group of hookers?!?!?!?!?! Hell!! Don't stop there. Lets make the cars fly and have her fight a polar bear with a light saber too! Make Kurt Russell a cyborg that shoots nacho cheese out of his hat when he gets upset!! YEA!!! Thats a great fucking idea!!! Oh and speaking of Kurt Russell... THEY FUCKING KILL HIM!!! The only good part of this movie dies right there and you have too watch they whole thing to see it happen. If it happened at the start then I could of just turned it off and saved my self some time. I mean come on!!! He is Snake for god sakes!!!! You mean to tell me Kurt Russell can be killed by bar skanks? I don't believe it..... 

Over all this movie makes me hate my self and gives me the urge to murder Tarantino. If you like this movie.... Just stop. Go watch it again... Maybe you were on drugs the first time you saw it. LSD is about the only way I could like this. If you still like it.... thats just not possible. Check to see if you are blind and deaf. This could also be the issue 

My rating. 10 fucking warlocks 

Update

Hello loyal readers 

Sorry for the lack of post as of late but ive been pretty busy getting the big picture in place. So i wanted to give ever one the update.. 

The new computer is finished. I now have the means to start doing what I originally wanted to do which is video reviews (because who really wants to read anyways) and some short films. Don't worry about short films. I promise that none of them are in black and white and feature radio head. If you know me then they will be.... for lack of better words, insane. Ill be watching a few movies this weekend too keep things going here but coming soon will be my own respectable web site. It will feature my reviews, films and german s&m theater for all of you sicko's. 

Ive thought about doing some game reviews but thats about as cool as pogs. I have been playing a good deal of games and I really do want to share my thoughts on some of them. One being resident evil 5. WHAT A FRUSTRATING EXPERIENCE. Well that about sums that game up... Anyways thanks for all of you for your support and I will see you all again this weekend after I watch "catwoman". God help me

-The wombat 

By the way... this picture comes up when you type in "update icon" on google images. Yea...that looks about right... 

Taken

I went into to this movie expecting a lot. This was the first time since "The Dark Knight" that I was going to pay to watch a movie. As much as this pained me and my wallet I decided that there is a different feeling that you get when seeing a movie on the big screen rather then in your house (cave for me). Never the less I did brave the outside world to see it. It did not let me down....

I heard that most of the movie was Liam Neeson running around europe beating people up. THERE IS NO IDEA THAT CAN TOP THAT.... Unless he was a samurai... from the future. Neeson really did just beat the crap out of people. That was the movie. Neeson would talk and then fight. There was some side note about his daughter or cat ( i dont remember) being kidnapped but I just thought that was the excuse to make a movie originally called "Liam Neeson beats the shit out of France". Now thats a catchy title if you ask me. The sequel could of been " Liam Neeson puts his foot up Hong Kong's Ass". As long as Neeson wasn't explaining how my favorite childhood story was cause by micro organisms in the persons body I knew it would be a decent watch... fucking star wars.... 

I never really thought a movie could make me feel bad for hookers but this one sure as hell did. During points of the movie Neeson would beat his way into a french whore house and would attempt to free as many as possible with out having to stop whooping ass. Now most people here in America imagine hoes hangin out with 50 cent or something but in France there is no 50 cent in sight. Instead of 50 they have Boris the dirty euro trash pimp and he sucks ass. At least 50 wouldn't get them all addicted to smack and then sell the to other euro trash... Anyways, it was rather sad to see people being sold like cattle but it only make the ass kickings that much better. 

As you all remember from my flock review I have a issue with people going in to dangerous places without a gun. The difference between these two movies ( other then "the flock" sucked) was that Neeson didn't need a fucking gun. Unlike Gere who slapped people to try and frighten them Neeson would punch the skull out of the back of your head!!! At one point he rams a bottle of wine in to a guys chest! IS THE EVEN POSSIBLE?!?!? Once again I would like to pitch my idea for the next one... MAKE HIM A SAMURAI!!!!

Over all a very enjoyable watch. If you like raw fighting scenes like that of the first die hard (not that polished dog turd live free of die hard...) then its worth a watch. My only gripe is that it was only a hour and a half. I paid 10 bucks to see that!!! I demand that the next movie I see be 3 hours long to make up for this...

On my scale I give it 8 dragons 

John Carpenters Vampires

James Woods killing vampires.... awesome. This movie is pretty sweet for what it is. Blood, guts and people get there heads cut off in fun ways. The thing I love about this movie is it doesn't suffer from the "gay vampire illness". No Edward being in love, no 18th century bullshit and no ...ughh... vampire rock stars..... fucking queen of the damned. Of corse there are things that bothered me about this movie so here we go 

First off, why does everyone look stoned when they are becoming a vampire. Is the vampire gene THC? I wanted to see violent transformations but what i got was "help Im becoming a pothead." One of the girls "slaying" with the group is a hooker that has bitten by a vampire. They take her with them so they can have a telepathic link with the master vampire because she was bitten by him... Ok, kinda of a stretch but overall im glad they did take her with them. Daniel Baldwin is also in this movie and at random time he just hits the hooker and thats not really the odd part about this. Right after he hits her and calls her something like " fucking vampire bitch,'" he starts making out with her. I don't know about you but Daniel Baldwin creeps me right the fuck out. WHO DOES THAT?!?! Then after he hits her she bites him!! This happens like 5 times and on the last time it looks like he is getting off on it! Anyways the reason im talking about count hooker is because the whole time she is "turning" see looks like she just escaped from rehab. Bitch didn't look like a vampire to me! She looked like a heroin addict. Maybe Daniel and James are confused... Maybe they are going around killing drug addicts and just calling them vampires.... I would still pay to see it. 

Why do all master vampires have to look like a gay hair dresser with fangs? Thats not scary... its gay. Ruffles and the living dead should no long mix damn it. I wish someone would make a vampire movie that didn't have the Dracula cookie cutter bad guy. I feel like im watching that same movie over and over. Now this movie still keeps the master vampire in check with his brutality but I still wish they would of done more with him. The rest of the vampires are normal blood sucking abominations so I guess one out of like 50 isn't that bad. I will say this is better then when they try to give them a modern touch. I never want to hear a vampire say "cool man" or " I hella heart blood".. Just like I never wanted to hear Optimus Prime say "my bad". Anytime I hear a creature of ancient evil or a robot from a different planet using slang I WANT TO DIE. John Carpenter should just take "the thing" and put that in a different movie every year. How sweet would a "the thing" romantic comedy be? 

Not a bad watch if you want to see alot of people die in a short amount of time. The blood work is good and the script is also not bad. John Carpenter did all of the music for the movie and well... it sucks. Almost ruins the blood shed but just tune it out and its not a big deal

On my scale I give it 4 dragons   

Leprechaun

There is nothing funny about irish people... ok everything about irish people is kinda funny. Between kissing rocks and running away from banshees its hard for me to take St. Patrick's Day for more then a excuse to drink green beer and pinch random people. In theory this sounds like a great Idea but when I think about drunk red heads pinching me due to my choice of fashion I feel very... wrong. So in honor of Ginger Pinch Feast 2009 I watched Leprechaun! I have to tell you, THIS MOVIE SUCKED ASS!!! Of all the ridiculous horror movie idea's this one is the worse. Im not even going to get into the sequels in which the small green man goes on a rampage through "da hood". If you were going to make a "irish theme" horror flick why not do one about some fucking scary? Like a Banshees? How about a  goblin? A guy in a white sheet with "BOO" written on it would of been better then a green midget!!! This is just the basic idea of the movie too. I haven't even started talking about the movie its self.

The really scary thing about this movie is it was Jennifer Aniston spring board into the film world. So great... we have leprechaun to thank for "friends", "the break up", "along came polly" and every other abomination she has been in.  So the highlight of this is its a horror movie... which means there is a small chance she will die. IF this was a respectable horror movie she would BUT since this is leprechaun of corse she lives. Matter of fact this movie has a rather low death toll for a horror movie. I think only like 3 people die and one was retarded. So thats just great. No Aniston death, no real horror and irish folk lore killing slow people. Why did I watch this again? 

So here is the reason why the leprechaun is killing people... because they took his gold. Ok I guess I could see that. Even irish midgets have to keep check on there money right? This would be the case and I wouldn't of thought twice about if the little bastard didn't LEAVE HIS MONEY OUT SIDE BY RAINBOWS! Of corse people are going to take your money then man! If you leave you gold by a naturally occurring wonder then you have no right to get mad if some one comes along and takes it. You don't see me leaving my bank card by waterfalls! Why?!? Because its stupid! Sure other people are known to leave their treasure in random places ... like pirates! But at least they have the brain mass equal to a dog that would tell them to bury it! Even then its a inconvenience to have to dig it back up when rent is due on your pirate house. I guess the moral of this movie would be your money is best kept in a wallet to avoid having to kill people and to stop a 2nd Jennifer Aniston Spring board. 

So how do you end a movie this great? Well it turns out you can kill a Leprechaun with a four leaf clover! Where did they find that out at? From a old senile guy at the local nursing home. I guess the writers just gave up at this point or they were fired and replaced by a raccoon that juggles. Why a raccoon that juggles? Why the hell not. Its already a movie about midgets who have issue's with leaving money outside that can only be killed by foliage. At this point anything you throw at me as the person watching this movie is acceptable. So they kill Leprechaun and they go back to doing whatever...

So this movie is a big waste of time. So if you have a friend who is Irish and you want to make them feel good about their roots have them watch this gem. But make sure to do it in a place that they cant escape. A airplane would be ideal but stuck in a hotel room on the road is also a good choice. 

On my scale I give it 5 warlocks...

The Flock

I never thought I would see a movie with Richard Gere as a... im not sure bad ass is the right word. Maybe more like crazy man with a gun is a better way of putting it. The Flock is a movie about people who are payed to check in on sex offenders living in the outside world. Richard plays Erroll Babbage, a lonely, half retarded guy who is really getting into his job. Im not sure if Babbage is really retarded or Richard Gere just is retarded but the fact remains that someone is retarded. Anyways if you want to know the story just watch the movie... 

One thing that struck me as odd was that they Gere and his sidekick Claire Danes  are not cops. In fact, they don't even have guns. (Ok well Gere has one but only because he is edgy) Its not like they send them to a safe home of a guy who got caught being a peeping tom but rather to the home of the criminally insane. WHY would you do that? This just seems like a bad idea to me. Also, the fact that Claire Danes looks like she weights maybe 110 doesn't bode well for her ability to fend of a bat shit crazy rapist. Maybe thats what they were going for ya know? "Lets send a woman by her self, with no gun, training or anything to defend her self with! You know... to throw them off!"

In this movie Gere is always hitting people. Sometimes for no reason. He hits a guy with a bat, a stick, a bottle and he also slaps people. I think in every other scene he is hitting someone with something. He slaps old people, hits sex offenders, hits a chick with a bottle and slaps a guy thats dying. Its was like he wanted to cross over to the bad ass side but Rambo never slapped anybody... because its lame. Why bother giving him a gun if he is just going to be slapping people and hitting the elderly with blunt objects? Just think what dirty hairy would of be like with no gun and slapping people. Its a bit of a stretch but thats what this felt like. I do have to tell you that watching Richard Gere slap all of those people was pretty funny. 

Over all it was just a "ok" movie with a few good moments. Unless your really into Richard Gere slapping thing you might be better off with something else. Its like how  "Black Snake Moan" made me feel after seeing it. I still cant tell if I liked it. Sure it was enjoyable but nothing really stuck. It was all very bland, done before and better. 

My scale I give it 4 Dragons for its "ok"ness 

Pimp My Ride

There really is no reason to ever watch this show unless you really like Xzibit ( so like four people in the world ) or you are having a psychotic break down. My excuse? well it was 4:30 in the morning and I had to be up in 2 hours so why bother sleeping at that point. No instead lets see what's on the TV. Right? Well unless you wanna watch infomercials about the snuggie for two hours or softcore porn you are shit out of luck. So I really didn't feel like getting talked into owning a snuggie or watching.... well... adults rub on each other. So really "pimp my ride" was the lesser of the evils. 

So where should I start with this? It should not be called "pimp my ride".... They should call it "put a fucking TV section of best buy in my car!"They only thing they do in this show is stick TV's everywhere they can on a car. Fuck the motor... put a TV in the headlights! Oh and a TV on the front wind shield! And we can stick this TV up your ass!! Fuck it! Lets make his car a TV!!!!!!! Everything they do involves a TV in some shape or form. If I have a car that was falling apart and I was going to "pimp it" I would put a new fucking motor in it! Not paint it gold and glue a flat screen to the truck!!!! Its like if you cover a turd in diamonds... Yea, its pretty and all, but its still a lump of crap. 

There is something about how fake it is that makes me feel. Like Im watching Pod people work on cars or something. I can't help to think that if you cut one of there heads off there would just be gears turning or some type of blue jelly.... I think I feel that way about most MTV shows but this one really stands out. Everyone who works at the shop looks like... well ... dead. Kinda like how I felt after watching it for two hours. Plus the people who own the cars have no shame. This one guy had a used baby diaper in his car and he didn't have a kid. So I thought about that and wow.... he has been driving around with poo in his car AND WHERE THE HELL DID HE GET IT? This isn't something that is picked up by mistake!! IT SHIT MAN! He must be a audiophile... He doesn't need to be "pimped" he needs to be pistol wiped. 

Why is Xzibit still doing this show anyways? Isn't he famous or something? I thought rappers were suppose to hang out at playboy and drink Incredible Hulks all day. Not visit white kids in the suburbs with gifts. They are going to start confusing Santa with Xzibit. If Xzibit came down my chimney and wanted to give me a new car I would immediately call poison control because I must have been "slipped a mickey" if you will.  So Xzibit if your reading this... go drink some hulk and hang out with hookers. Its the natural order of things.

Not a whole lot I can really say about this show other then if you have TV fetish then you have struck gold. Xzibit is the only part of the show that doesn't totally suck and he is only in it for like 5 mins. Maybe I should of watched the snuggie show.. at least I would be warm now. 

On my scale "pimp my ride" gets 1 warlock